I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I cockslap morals
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
