just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
