if only i could text you this smell
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
