True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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