I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
