I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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