I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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