I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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