He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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