The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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