Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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