What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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