the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
