OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
