Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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