Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
