I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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