I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
