On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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