a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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