A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
