we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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