I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
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