the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Screwed.edu
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
