I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
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We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.