Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
