I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
