Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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