is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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