I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize