how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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