Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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