i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
