Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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