You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
