Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
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I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
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I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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