Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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