I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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