Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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