So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
