Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I am naked and annoyed.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
