You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
