you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
