u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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