Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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