the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
