My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
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Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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