i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
