id be glad to
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
