and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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