Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
