I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
