These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
