I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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