i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
