dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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