I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
