i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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