I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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