She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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