I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
