i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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