doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
