Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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