Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
